In the six-hour PBS documentary Joseph Campbell explains that myths offer clues to our spiritual nature, and guide us to a sacred place where we can unlock a deeper unconscious self.
Campbell probably said a bunch of other stuff, too, but I only had time to watch the first five minutes.
I was on deadline, you see, and needed to watch something called 鈥淭he Magical Christmas Shoes.鈥�
Yours Truly made a mistake: I promised my boss I could watch 10 Lifetime Christmas movies and share the lessons I learned.
Don鈥檛 judge. I鈥檝e never claimed to be good at life.
The origins of this mistake began last year, when my story on “Love Actually” touched on the staggering volume of new holiday movies. The Hallmark Channel and is . There are even .
Similarly, the Lifetime channel has been rolling out .
Not a typo, people: 29.
While we can all appreciate job creation 鈥� especially for actors, writers and other showbiz pros 鈥� one can鈥檛 help but react with disbelief and judgment.
Yet with dozens upon dozens of new holiday romantic dramedies premiering each year, a guy鈥檚 gotta wonder whether it鈥檚 because they offer some deeper meaning. There have to be lessons yielding new clues into humanity鈥檚 spiritual nature. All those apparent viewers can鈥檛 be wrong, right?
Wrong.
Before we proceed, here鈥檚 a recap of the 10 I sat through.
Look, it鈥檚 not my intention to litigate the quality of Lifetime Christmas movies. It would be like 聽deconstructing boxed mac and cheese.
Made-for-TV Christmas movies are pure comfort food. They taste good and have little nutrition. Plotwise, they鈥檙e a notch above 鈥淭eletubbies.鈥� Not much happens, other than a reunion with an ex and bland conversations about family and the holidays.
Deus ex machina, a business is saved and a town is revived. Warm fuzzies and they kiss at the end.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la.
Submitted for your review: A sampling of dialogue from my 10-film survey.
- 鈥淭he magic is inside us鈥� (from 鈥淭he Magical Christmas shoes鈥�).
- 鈥淓verything is possible at Christmas鈥� (鈥淩adio Christmas鈥�).
- 鈥淜ids have a way of showing us how to hope鈥� (鈥淢agical Christmas Shoes鈥� again).
- 鈥淐ommunity is important鈥� (again, from 鈥淩adio Christmas鈥�).
- 鈥淲hat鈥檚 the point of success if you don鈥檛 have someone to share it with?鈥� (鈥淪taging Christmas鈥�).
Were there other lessons? Yeah 鈥� and none helped me unlock a deeper unconscious self. But because I just sat through 15 hours of this stuff, please honor my sacrifice and follow along. Maybe you will find it helpful.
Lesson 1: Good things happen after winter storms. Let鈥檚 begin with Lifetime鈥檚 way of unifying several of these movies into a single cinematic universe, as if they鈥檙e Marvel comic properties. Meet 鈥淲inter Storm Meghan.鈥�
I was about halfway through these when The Mrs. noticed consistent references to this named winter storm. (Yes, my better half joined me for much of this ordeal. She had the option to tap out as necessary 鈥� and did. Our dog didn’t seem to care.)
I had no appetite to go back and search for references in the ones I鈥檇 just watched, but I confirmed references in five: 鈥淩adio Christmas,鈥� 鈥淐hristmas Reservations,鈥� 鈥淩andom Acts of Christmas,鈥� 鈥淐hristmas Unleashed鈥� and 鈥淵ou Light Up My Christmas.鈥�
Not only does Meghan bring a bunch of snow, but she also serves as a catalyst for whatever happy endings the scriptwriters dreamed up.
How could this apply to real life, you ask? Two words: school closings.
Lesson 2: You鈥檒l hook up with your ex at Christmas. If 1) you鈥檙e a single professional, and 2) you鈥檙e returning to your hometown, and 3) your ex is newly single, get psyched.
That goes double if the ex is widowed.
It goes triple if they have a werido kid who gets way too excited about, say, a candy cane.
Lesson 3: NAFTA has been great for Canada鈥檚 film industry. Each film might have been set in the U.S., but casual research consistently showed hockey country to be The Hollywood of Christmas:
- 鈥淢agical Christmas Shoes鈥�: Set in New York, filmed in Ontario.
- 鈥淪weet Mountain Christmas鈥�: Set in Tennessee, filmed in British Columbia.
- 鈥淩adio Christmas鈥�: Set in Pennsylvania, filmed in Manitoba.
- 鈥淐hristmas 9 to 5鈥�: Set in Chicago, filmed in Ontario.
- 鈥淩andom Acts of Christmas鈥�: Set in Chicago, filmed in British Columbia.
- 鈥淐hristmas Unleashed鈥�: Set in North Carolina, filmed in British Columbia.
- 鈥淵ou Light Up My Christmas鈥�: Set in Colorado/Arizona, filmed in British Columbia.
Kudos to the three productions that apparently stayed stateside:
- 鈥淪taging Christmas鈥�: Set in Colorado, filmed in Utah.
- 鈥淐hristmas Reservations鈥�: Set in upstate New York, filmed in Nevada.
- 鈥淐hristmas a la Mode鈥�: Set in Massachusetts and filmed in 鈥� wait for it 鈥� Massachusetts.
Lesson 4: Steve Urkel is boring now. Yes, the actor who immortalized America鈥檚 greatest nerd, Jaleel White, plays it room temperature as Soleil Moon Frye鈥檚 boss in 鈥淪taging Christmas.鈥� He just hangs out in an office and talks about some important promotion.
I kept hoping he鈥檇 play the accordion or build a robot. Anything to break the crippling monotony.
Did he do thaaaaaat?
No.
Lesson 5: Hoarding is good. Don鈥檛 be fooled by psychologists who claim it鈥檚 a symptom of mental illness. Hoarding years鈥� worth of discarded Christmas decorations, for example, can be a shot in the arm for a struggling department store, as George Wendt taught me in 鈥淐hristmas 9 to 5.鈥�
You never know when you鈥檒l need that stack of newspapers from 2013!
Lesson 6: Family-owned businesses are not successful.
- Exhibit A: The struggling family-owned department store in 鈥淐hristmas 9 to 5.鈥�
- Exhibit B: The struggling family-owned dairy farm in 鈥淐hristmas a la Mode.鈥�
- Exhibit C: The struggling family-owned candy store in 鈥淢agical Christmas Shoes.鈥�
- Exhibit D: The struggling family-owned ski lodge in 鈥淐hristmas Reservations.鈥�
- Exhibit E: The struggling family-owned Christmas light factory in 鈥淵ou Light Up My Christmas.鈥�
Lesson 7: The iPad has revolutionized TV journalism. This lesson comes courtesy of 鈥淩andom Acts of Christmas,鈥� whose protagonist does live TV reports with a gadget better suited for .
HD cameras? Handheld mics? Microwave links? Bah, humbug!
Thing is, this is perhaps the least objectionable thing about 鈥淩andom Acts of Christmas.鈥� The premise was clever (Bruce Wayne archetype as Secret Santa), but the execution was so across-the-board unwatchable that I needed a day off before I could finish the remaining two-thirds.
I was seriously on the brink of tears when they kissed at the end, because it was finally over.
Lesson 8: It’s amazing how the word “amazing” can be abused. “Radio Christmas,” I gotta bust your chops on this. Crack open a thesaurus, please.
The English language is rich with words. Find other ones. That would just be 鈥� oh, I don’t know 鈥� astounding 鈥� incredible 鈥� even wondrous.
Lesson 9: No one needed to see a shirtless Ted McGinley eating chicken in a hot tub. You remember Ted McGinley, don鈥檛 you? In 鈥淐hristmas Reservations,鈥� shows up as a down-on-his-luck former Olympian. He has a crush on a pretty lady. There are obstacles to an agreeable resolution, however, and in one scene he drowns his sorrows in a hot tub with some hot wings.
Not body shaming. Just saying.
That image was forced onto my brain and will sadly be the enduring memory of my 10-film odyssey.
This brings us to our final lesson 鈥�
Lesson 10: Don鈥檛 watch so many Lifetime Christmas movies. Another common thread I noticed in the 10 films: The characters are never shown watching a Christmas movie on Lifetime. No, they鈥檙e making precious memories of their own.
So follow their example: Bake a pie with your sister. Shovel a neighbor’s sidewalk. Go caroling. Teach someone how to make a candy cane. Decorate a tree. Volunteer. Wrap presents. Support your local family-owned light bulb factory.
Or heck, just drink a bottle of vodka and take a nap. I don鈥檛 care.
Anything is a better idea than wasting 15 hours like this, because there鈥檚 no real magic to be found in these myths.
The magic, in fact, is inside us.
