(CNN) 鈥� You鈥檙e hitting it off or friend when suddenly, they drop off the face of Earth without warning and with absolutely no explanation. You then realize you鈥檝e been ghosted, perhaps vowing to never treat anyone how you were treated.
鈥淕hosting has probably existed since the dawn of time in some way,鈥� said Dr. Jennice Vilhauer, a psychologist in Los Angeles and author of 鈥�.鈥�
But when internet dating surged around the mid-2010s, ghosting became more common. Its popularity led Vilhauer to write one of the first psychology articles on the topic in 2015, and Merriam-Webster to to its dictionary in 2017. Google searches of the term peaked in 2019.
Today, Vilhauer noted, there are thousands of articles on ghosting, and it happens so often that many people in the dating scene now anticipate it.
But that doesn鈥檛 mean being ditched is painless.
鈥淲e are wired to be connected to other people, and getting rejected has a negative effect on us in terms of how we evaluate ourselves, as well as our perception of safety in the world,鈥� Vilhauer said. 鈥淭he pain (is) just as real as if you have a physical pain.鈥�
Ghosting lacks the clarity and certainty of an explicit rejection, which helps people process, feel closure and move on, experts said. The absence of these things can be distressing, especially if you鈥檙e filling in the blanks with worst-case scenarios. People can become more guarded, which is detrimental to finding love or friendship.
Those doing the ghosting may feel relief, guilt, both simultaneously or apathy, Vilhauer said.
Why people ghost
We live in a time when the expediency and inhuman nature of technology and dating apps render many people uncomfortable with difficult emotions and conversations and less accountable to people we know we may never again encounter in person, experts said.
On dating apps, ghosting can be a simple and efficient way to end one of multiple connections someone is simultaneously entertaining, said Dr. Rich Slatcher, a professor of psychology at the University of Georgia. The more anonymous someone is, the easier it is to dehumanize them, he said, and how much we owe someone, especially in the early stages, isn鈥檛 a universally agreed-upon concept.
Figuring out what message will end things while also preserving their feelings can be challenging. Some people lack maturity or empathy. Others are avoidant and dislike interactions that might involve conflict since people often negatively react to being told, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 really want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore,鈥� Slatcher said.
If you tend to ghost for this reason, you鈥檙e likely avoiding conflict in other areas of your life, Slatcher said. Working can help you overcome this habit.
The decision to ghost another person isn鈥檛 always consciously made 鈥� sometimes, people just mentally cast aside the issue in their mind because they don鈥檛 feel like dealing with it at the time, then end up never responding.
鈥淪ome people are just terrible at responding on text and just can鈥檛 get their act together,鈥� Slatcher said.
When ghosting is or isn鈥檛 OK
There are some people who would鈥檝e preferred to be ghosted rather than knowing how much the 鈥済hoster鈥� dislikes them, Vilhauer said. But you can鈥檛 predict how someone will feel 鈥� so, whether it鈥檚 a friendship or romantic connection you鈥檙e ending, generally, providing some kind of final communication so the recipient can at least process it is best, experts said.
The most acceptable reason for ghosting is, without a doubt, if there has been abuse or if further communication would put you in danger, Vilhauer said. In an abusive relationship, exiting it is often the most dangerous part, she added.
Sometimes, people have 鈥渁ttempted to reject someone before, and that person has responded really angrily or aggressively, and so they are afraid to try again,鈥� said Dr. Gili Freedman, an associate professor of psychology at St. Mary鈥檚 College of Maryland and author of聽聽on ghosting among friends. 鈥淪o they ghost to try to protect themselves.鈥�
Ghosting is also acceptable if the other person is exhibiting inappropriate behaviors such as sending unsolicited explicit photos, showing up at your workplace, contacting your exes, stealing from you or showing blatant disregard for your boundaries, Vilhauer said.
鈥淲hat we don鈥檛 know is, does it actually keep you safer? It鈥檚 possible in the immediate aftermath, yeah,鈥� Freedman said. 鈥淲hat about if you run into them again? Does the fact that you ghosted make things worse or better? I don鈥檛 know.鈥�
While some people think ghosting someone they鈥檝e only been on one or two dates with is OK, experts disagree. Generally, they say that the kindest and most appropriate thing to do is to send a quick message such as this: 鈥淚t was really nice to meet you, but I didn鈥檛 feel a connection.鈥�
If you鈥檙e actively considering ghosting someone, ask yourself if it鈥檚 necessary or if you just want to avoid an awkward situation. Is ghosting going to solve the problem in a way that makes sense for you? Do you feel good about it?
When you鈥檙e the 鈥榞hostee鈥�
If you鈥檝e been ghosted, try not to dwell on it too much, especially because that person probably isn鈥檛 thinking about you, Slatcher said. That鈥檚, of course, easier said than done, he added, but there are many healthy ways to distract yourself 鈥� exercising, listening to music and pursuing other hobbies.
鈥淲hen someone鈥檚 ghosted us, we can often feel a lack of belongingness,鈥� Freedman said. 鈥淚t might help to reach out to other friends to reconnect with them or reach out to family so that you鈥檙e reaffirming the other parts of your life where you do feel that belongingness and a more positive sense of self.鈥�
You can vent, but at some point, talking about it a lot is a fruitless exercise since you have no control over, or knowledge of, why that person ditched you, Slatcher said.
Asking for an explanation once or twice if you want is OK, but don鈥檛 continue to demand one, Vilhauer said. Recognize that person is actively choosing to not respond 鈥� that鈥檚 a response in and of itself, and you shouldn鈥檛 continue to choose someone who isn鈥檛 choosing you.
The-CNN-Wire
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