Sometime in 2013, I wandered in while some friends were watching a show with a lot of snow, some medieval armor and no small measure of yelling and death. I stood for about 90 seconds, trying to figure out what was happening, and bailed. I haven鈥檛 seen anything more than an internet GIF鈥檚 worth of “Game of Thrones” since.
But whenever they announced the final couple seasons of the biggest current piece of pop culture would be coming down, I pitched the idea to my editors: What if I don鈥檛 watch at all, until the series finale, ? And here we are.
It鈥檚 taken no small measure of diligence on my end to avoid learning too much. Yes, I鈥檝e seen your . I鈥檝e seen the countless Sunday night Twitter jokes that I鈥檓 sure are all very clever. They have been, unfortunately, wasted on me.
But now I have seen the end, and I鈥檓 ready to provide a review of the entire series, based on exactly 85 minutes of viewing, including the credits.
A few quick notes before we begin:
First: Please note the title above. This is not a comprehensive review. It is the very opposite of that. While I appreciate the time investment an eight-season television run requires, your emails to me trying to explain the show will, I assure you, be in vain.
Second: There will be spoilers. Obviously? We鈥檙e talking about the finale.
Alright, let鈥檚 get to it.
So 鈥�
Huh. Here鈥檚 the thing. Almost nothing happened? Kit Harington killed the dragon queen (Dani? Dany? Not going to bother Googling her full character name, the blonde one, you know who I鈥檓 talking about) and then Peter Dinklage helped engineer a kingship for the weirdo with the bowl cut, and 鈥� that鈥檚 it? I mean, really, 85 minutes for that?
I鈥檝e seen Adam Sandler movies that go through a full arc of a disrespected man-child earning all that respect from his family and peers, while still remaining a man-child and somehow snagging a girl in that kind of running time. 鈥淏efore Sunset鈥� is 80 minutes of mostly just two people talking and I still think about it like once a month. (Seriously, 听补苍诲 and )
And dude gets to be king, but they鈥檙e still calling him Bran the Broken? He didn鈥檛 make not getting called that out loud by everyone in the kingdom his first order of business?
Also, seriously, the dragon鈥檚 name is Drogon? Maybe the most successful thing this show ever pulled off was getting otherwise serious people to .
When Dinklage dropped the 鈥渢here鈥檚 nothing more powerful than a story鈥� line, I cackled out loud. Oh, really, like this story? An epic, nay, ? Not sure how that made it out of the writer鈥檚 room.
There were some pretty leaden-handed plot points. The idea that empire building ambition of bringing liberation by force, war without end, might be bad? You don鈥檛 say. And yet, there was no real solution, or at least not one that anyone seemed to take seriously.
I mean, really, can we talk about the humor for a minute? Not only did it feel bizarre and forced in the middle of this episode, but other than a little slapstick, the only real joke was 鈥� laughing off the idea of a direct democracy? Ha? Ha ha? The dragon (sorry, Drogon) melted the throne in and everyone was just like, yeah, no, monarchy still sounds good.
Clearly, I must have missed a lot of actual story and character development. But none of that really matters unless it鈥檚 in service of some final goal. After a solid hour of denouement 鈥� really, nearly the entire episode 鈥� I鈥檓 left with no real desire to go back and figure out what led up to it, which feels like a damning indictment.
Again, I didn鈥檛 see the previous episodes, but based on the charred corpses in the streets and the overwrought language, thousands upon thousands of people died, right? All only to return to this flawed arrangement so that some of our main characters could take a gap year sailing or orienteering (or whatever Jon was off to do in the woods)? It sure feels like the moral in the end is essentially the shrug emoji.
So, that鈥檚 my review. 炉\_(銉�)_/炉
